'I Need A Break!' Doulas, Rest and Sleep…How we can help and how we can’t.
I’ll start with what might sound like the bad news, as doulas we can’t make your baby sleep in any other way than as they have evolved to. Typical behavior for young babies includes frequent waking to feed during both day and night, shorter sleep cycles and a preference for contact napping. Infant sleep is biologically driven, it’s meant to be that way in order to keep babies safe and support their healthy development.
That said, and this is the important bit, there are still a multitude of ways the support of a doula during the early weeks and months of a baby’s life and can make a huge difference to a family. Don’t despair, hang in there and I’ll unpick this a bit more….
A really important way a doula might support a family around sleep is by normalizing infant sleep patterns and sharing information, we can be there to help a family navigate the noise of opinion, myth and anecdote coming at you from all angles. We are great sign-posters of evidence-based information and having access to this knowledge can be really empowering for families. We can also offer support and signposting around Infant Feeding, linking you with other professionals to unpick any concerns or underlying issues that might be impacting a baby’s behavior. Building a relationship with a family over time often allows doulas to take a more holistic view of the experiences that might effect how a family is able to rest.
Parenting a baby, actually young children in general, is an exhausting business. Being available to a tiny human 24 hours a day is hard work both mentally and physically and I honestly believe that part of the reason that parents so often experience a sense of overwhelm and burn out is that we just haven’t evolved to do this alone. I read recently that in our not so distance collective past there was a 4:1 ratio of adult caregivers to young children, nowadays for much of the time it’s probably more like 1:1 if not 1:3 (apologies for the less than academic referencing for this source, if I can locate the article again, I’ll add it later!).
You’re really not alone in finding this hard, a deficit of rest during the early years of parenting seems somehow entrenched in Western Culture. According to researcher Dr Saundra Dalton-Smith, there are 7 different types of rest and as a parent of young children it’s easy to feel that you are missing out on all of them. A doula alongside you can help you to meet some of those rest needs and offer emotional support when they’re lacking.
Physical Rest
Physical rest is about letting your body rest and recover through sleep, naps, lying down, being still. A doula can help you create a comfy space to do this; clean sheets, cushions, cozy blankets. We’ll help you make your nest and soften into it with words of reassurance that there is wisdom in slowing down. If needed, we’ll be there as an extra pair of hand for your baby to support you to let go and stop.
Doulas will often offer night shifts to allow more consolidated windows of sleep for parents, we’ll bring your baby to you to feed but step in for some of the settling and nappy changes offering parents a chance to catch up on missed rest.
Mental Rest
This might look like a break from vigilance, observing and planning. A doula is a trusted companion who can be with your baby for short periods whilst you take some time to ground yourself, stare out of the window or watch a box set. We can notice when the dishwasher might need emptying or prepare you something delicious and nourishing for lunch without you having to think about it all.
Emotional Rest
Emotional rest comes with the opportunity to share thoughts and feelings with a trusted person, for you to notice how you’re feeling and honor your unique experience. A doula is there for you as a compassionate and non-judgmental presence as you find your way as a parent.
Social Rest
This comes as time to restore through connecting socially, a doula can support this with their knowledge of the communities to be found both in the real world and online. It might be about sharing information about a local baby massage class or through a network of parents on social media. It could be about creating a little space for a catch up with a friend or family member, it’s about the rest that comes through our relationship with others.
Creative Rest
This doesn’t need to be anything worthy of the Turner Prize, it might be writing a list, taking a photograph, listening to music, moving your body, reading. Time without pressure to engage with the world in some way. A doula can be an extra pair of hands so this can feel like a possibility, having that alone can feel deeply supportive.
Sensory Rest
The need to retreat from sensory stimulation, early parenthood can be an intense whirl of noise, touch, smell…. it’s all there, all. the. time. It’s a lot, it’s okay to want to step back for some quiet time alone; a walk outside, a darkened room to find your edges again. A doula can work with you to support this need and to suggest some other tools to cope in a way which works for you.
Spiritual Rest
This feels like quite a tricky one to define, it might be described as the ways you foster a relationship with yourself; aligning with your values or reconnecting with a sense of belonging. This might come from feeling valued and listened to as you explore your day to day experience or it might come in quietness as you bond with your baby. It’s deeply personal but having a doula can support you to create a safe and nurturing space for your family to explore what this means to you.
As a new parent you are deserving of rest, not so you can be more productive or to better yourself in some way but because it is a real and valid human need at all times of life. Postpartum is a time of uniquely momentous change in body and mind and honoring this allows space for restoration and growth. A doula can support you during this massive life transition bringing emotional and practical scaffolding to the whole family.
You matter. Your rest matters. Support matters.
Kx
If you are looking for some further evidence-based information around Infant Sleep, I’ve included some suggestions below:
BASIS (Baby Sleep Info Source)
https://www.basisonline.org.uk
Lyndsey Hookway
https://www.pinterandmartin.com/lets-talk-about-your-new-familys-sleep
Gentle Sleep Family
Amy Brown
https://www.pinterandmartin.com/lets-talk-about-the-first-year-of-parenting